Slap Me!

I'm having one of those days...a day when you just want to sit alone in a dark room and watch bad TV, while sipping on milk and dunking Oreos. Poor, poor me...wha, wha, wha....

Ultrasounds were performed on my arms yesterday, in hopes that we find a vein plump enough to use in creating a fistula. I really want a fistula!! This AM, it was time for another plasma treatment. Just in time I think, symptoms were starting to show their nasty lil heads at night. I'm just tired of this drama, so why not feel sorry for myself??? Right!?! I'm cussing traffic, I'm mad at the heat, I want to play ball, I want to float the river...wha, wha, wha....SHUT UP!!

You talk about having your hand slapped hard. One of my dear friends here in Austin, Paula, mentioned to me she will be donating blood in my name, this week. She shared this with me Monday night, and today I wanted to reach out and thank her and ask 'when', because I forgot. She's donating today(!), with a gaggle of her co-workers. The dinger...not only is Paula donating in my name, but each co-worker is too. SLAP ME!! I am soooo humbled and tears of gratitude are pouring down my face as I type this.

Paula and her team have reminded me I have SOOO much to be grateful for, and amazing people surrounding me. My life is a blessing, my hurdles and mistakes are life lessons, my bumps and bruises are stories that are meant to be shared, and regardless of the veins, my arms are strong and should be helping to help others.

Paula...thank you

Whoops!

This morning, I was driving rather quickly and in a daze. Off to another pheresis treatment, and following my routine. On the highway, off the highway, cross lanes, prepare to turn and merge at the light...oh yeah, that's a light, there's a crosswalk! "Sorry, yes, I'm aware," was my response to the rather ticked off lady who was using that cross walk and attempting to reach the curb, while hollering at me and the other cars ahead of me, "Its a RED light, I get to use this crosswalk, you gotta wait, you gotta wait". She was so very right, and I'm so very glad that she was hollering. Made me wake up from my sheepish routine!

I've noticed over the past few weeks, I've felt myself sliding into a sheepish routine outside of the car. Work, treatment, small group, TV shows, personal relationships, etc. It was last week that I caught myself feeling depressed. I told my roommate that I've lost my 'joy', and that I need to find it.

This past weekend at a minor league baseball game and again this morning during treatment, I had a stranger of sorts, say "Hey, is that you?" One of my doctors noticed me at the game and tapped my shoulder to say hello and introduce me to his family. Another patient this morning remembered my name after having not seen each other since April. Wow!! That means a lot to me, you remembered me!

Where am I going? Its the joy! The joy of meeting people, being moved by them and sharing your life with them. Its scary for sure, but think of what you miss, if you do not meet? We quickly close ourselves off, we become routine, we forget there is more, we miss the nuances, we skip the challenges, we follow the herd...we lose our joy.

Interesting!

This is a very new concept for me...as much as I enjoy my emails and post on Facebook, blogging is actually a scary concept. One, I don't spell well, so I thank God for spell check! Two, writing about your own personal thoughts is intimidating. If someone reads this, they might actually learn about me...about the dark, quiet areas that are nicely tucked away. Wow...this might prove to be more stressful than I expected!